Choosing Your Way

Honesty ought to be the way to real happiness. Honesty to your own feelings, wishes, hopes. Honesty to yourself. But how can one be totally honest with one self?

Our thinking and feelings are influenced by other people, happenings and the surroundings. We are brought up in a certain way, in a certain environment. We are taught to like and want whatever typical to that environment. It seems the world has been laid in front of us in a determined way and we are only playing our part in it.

We are never alone in a way that there is always something or someone influencing us, affecting us. Yet we are always alone in leading our lives, making the decisions and standing up for our choices.

Free will might exist, fate might not be destined. But is free will nothing more than making decisions between what’s laid before you? Choosing between options that have been given? To me that sounds like being a character on a board game, where there are different options for paths to follow but all drawn by someone other than myself.

I want to step out from the board.

Sometimes I feel I already have. I have listened to myself, made my own decisions, more or less conventional. Honesty to me has been my guideline in my path; I have wanted to live listening to myself. In this chosen path, one way or another, I have tried to try different options. I have tried to do what feels right.  

Now the question remains. Have I stepped out from the board and drawn my own paths? Or have I pimped up that board, shaken it a little, stepped aside but still remained on it?

I wonder if it is possible to truly see into and understand oneself. The influence from outside can never be entirely switched off. Maybe it should be accepted that the “inner me” is in relation with what’s out there. That to be true to myself I have to accept the influence and affluence from others have become part of the real me.

The Bigger Picture

Air Asia flight QZ8501 disappeared yesterday. Search is still on-going but it's expected to have broken into pieces and fallen down to the deep ocean. Obviously a very sad incident which unfortunately steams up the conspiracy theories again (Air Asia is also a Malaysian company like Malaysia Airlines, although this flight was operated by it's Indonesian daughter company between Indonesia and Singapore) and general fears for flying.

What thrills me, are the over-heated reactions of way too many. A reasonable reaction could be "such a sad day, thoughts with the victims and relatives" or "Malaysia truly is having a horrid aviation year". But what do we get?

In Facebook, the first comment I saw on the QZ8501 accident was "oh my god I have 5 flights booked with Air Asia for 2015, so scared now!". Second was "My friend is flying tomorrow from Indonesia to Vietnam, so scared for her!".

I flipped. Admit, I have a short temper sometimes but come on guys. For real?

I checked some statistics. There are approximately 30 million commercial flights annually. Aviation accident rate, which is the number of annual accidents divided by annual number of departures globally, was in 2013 0.24 out of 1 million departures. Meaning less than 1 accident for every 1 million flights. In brief, one have to have the worst luck ever to die in an airplane accident. Possible for sure, but extremely rare.

I bet it's more likely to choke on one's lunch or fall and lethally hit one's head than to die in an airplane accident. For these I don't have statistics to back up my gut feeling but what I can find are statistics for traffic accidents. An obvious choice in Vietnam. According to World Life Expectancy, the death rate for road traffic accidents in Vietnam is 26 per 100,000.

So let's summarize this. Aviation accident rate globally is 0.24 out of 1 million departures. In Vietnam, per 100,000 road traffic accidents, there are 26 death cases. I can't do probability maths but it's clear to see where the risks lie. Not even counting all the health relevant issues etc.

So this person, living in Vietnam, is seriously scared to take 5 Air Asia flights within a year? Give me a break. I'll keep flying, with Air Asia just as well as with other airlines. But will remain extra cautious when driving to the airport - that's the most dangerous part of any trip.

Home Everywhere or Nowhere

Recently I read a very interesting and well written article on an expat's life and how complicated it is to explain and understand a concept of feeling at home.

It's not easy explaining the different aspects of an expat's life - not always even to fellow expats but especially not to those staying at "home". I've noticed, that outsiders always seem to consider Finland as my home. Are you going home for Christmas? Are you thinking of moving back home someday?

Finland is the country I was born in and grew up in. It's the country where my parents, brother and other relatives live. It's the country of my passport. But is it my home?

What is a concept of home, even? Wikipedia defines it as a dwelling-place, used as a permanent or semi-permanent residence. In that sense Finland isn't my home, or my home is not in Finland. On the other hand, I believe a home is more than just a residence, a place close to one's heart.

Here's the thing. Finland is close to my heart and it's a very special country to me. But I don't feel at home in Finland. In honest, I feel more uncomfortable in Finland than elsewhere in the world. It's not because of Finland. It's because I'm supposed to belong but I don't feel like I do. It's the only place in the world where I should feel rooted in, where I should feel like I'm one of the many sames. I look like everyone else, I speak the same language, I know the customs and share the cultural heritage. But I don't feel I belong - I don't feel "us", I see "them".

Finland is the only place where I should fit it, where I'm expected to fit in. That's what makes me uncomfortable because there is no reason for me feeling that I don't. Anywhere else I can feel free and comfortable, because I don't need to pretend I belong or fit in. I don't naturally do.

The writer of the article defined perfectly how "the beauty of nomadic life is that you are detached from the flaws of the surrounding society while you soak up the best it has to offer". Because we don't quite belong, we don't have the same constraints as the locals do. We are not bound by the same expectations.

For me living abroad is liberating. I'm more free to just be me. I have an excuse for being different, acting weirdly, not liking something or getting ridiculously excited about other stuff. I'm a foreigner, I am allowed to look at things from a different perspective. Living in developing countries is also a good eye opener. Makes one appreciate the own comforts and possibilities even more.

Years in developing countries have in fact made me more intolerant towards the petty complaints in the more developed countries, such as Finland. In the newspaper today I read Finnish soldiers who had returned from Afghanistan describing this. How they can't cope with their kids misbehaving or people complaining about little things. They had seen real suffering, lived in real dangers. They can't relate to Finnish people's troubles.

I haven't experienced war, but I've seen real poverty. People who truly are homeless and have little or no means to get their daily rice. Others who get by but barely. Poor people in rich countries like Finland might lack the means to live well. Poor people in poor countries lack the means to live at all. No offense, not meaning to hurt anyone's feelings. Everyone is entitled to complain about their sufferings and to want for more and better. I'm just saying that I struggle relating to such problems, especially when complaints are aimed at government not doing enough for their citizens. But that's another story all together.

In the developing countries, I don't belong and I definitely don't share their daily struggles. I can't relate to their suffering as I never have and likely never will be in same desperate situation. But in Finland, I also don't feel I relate to that life and the locals' daily struggles. I feel an outsider. I observe, I see and I hear, but I don't quite understand.

Maybe it's just me. I have always felt a sense of not-quite-belonging. Maybe I've become a world-wanderer because that is just who I am. I don't belong anywhere so I can be at home anywhere. Everywhere and nowhere - that's where I belong. I belong to my life.





 

Treat Others As Feels Right For You

The golden rule has taught us to treat others as we would like others to treat us. Live by a sample in a way. But is that really admirable? Desirable? Perhaps, but doesn't work.

We can't make others follow our wishes. Not even in regards how we wish to be treated by them. If we expect others to treat us the way we treat them, for others to take notice of our sample, it's a sure road for a bitter disappointment.

I've come to realize that other people just don't think like me. They don't see or feel the way I do. It's taken me damn long to realize I expect too much from others. I have expected others to just take notice of my actions and for them to understand me without me ever telling them what I feel or consider polite and friendly. I have assumed a lot.

For me it's obvious to show respect to people by being on time at appointments. For me it's obvious to keep promises. I expect the same from others and get disappointed and hurt when I don't receive it. To me, when someone is late from the agreed time due to no relevant reason, it's a personal insult. It tells me that I don't matter. I can be kept waiting. I'm never late, or if I am there is a very good reason for it and I inform others as soon as possible. And feel horrible about it. It's hard for me to understand how people can be so different in this - why it's no big deal for others. And I know it isn't - I've spoken about this friends who have had absolutely no idea how I've felt and why it would be so. Who have also felt horrid about it then as they've never meant it that way. They have their ways, I have mine.

I have high expectations to myself. I'm also always thinking about others, how to make my friends feel better, how to support them the best, how to be a good friend - always be there for others. When I can help others, it makes me feel good. So my behaviour is selfish as well. I value myself more when I can be of help to others. I need to be able to be of help to others for me to feel better about myself, about my value. In return I wish that was recognized. I don't expect the same dedication from others but just general value for our friendship. Such as valuing our arrangements. But that's just the thing - we all have our different ways in showing our love and appreciation.

It's not the ill-will of people that lead to disappointing behaviour but just people being different. Different people consider different behaviour polite and friendly - and the opposite. What's disappointing and insulting to me is not always considered the same by others. Which has made me realize I need to tell people how I feel, how I wish to be treated and how some "misbehaviour" like being consistently late insults me. I can't expect others just to understand and know this, if the same would not mean that much for them. To be fair, we need to tell people how we wish to be treated.

"Treat others as you wish to be treated" is a good moral guideline, but should not to be confused with expectations regarding how we wish others to treat us. It's a guideline to our subjective behaviour - how oneself should behave based on one's own moral values. It's a guideline to our own good, moral behaviour - not to that of others.

Love Wins

Since I've made it clear in social media and in public in general that I stand for the equal rights, particularly showing my support for the equal marriage law, I've been asked plenty of times what's in it for me. Am I a lesbian? Do I have many gay friends, a close relative?

No, I'm not a lesbian. I'm a woman who happens to like men. Always been that way and doesn't seem to be changing. So, if there is a need to categorize, I'm straight. Have nothing against women but I was born this way - to get attracted to men.


But, it's not my choice to be straight. Just as it isn't a choice for those women who happen to be attracted to women, or men to men. Or to both. It's not any of our's choice. We are born a certain way. Who can claim to be in control of their feelings - who they fall in love with?

That gays will soon be allowed to marry, is not a personal advantage to me. In a way it's nothing to me. On the other hand, it means a great deal to me. It means a great deal to me, because I believe in equal rights. We are not the same, but our value should be. We are human beings, with human rights.

To my knowledge no one in my family is gay. Nor do I have that many gay friends - and none in Finland. So none, who get directly affected by the law. This isn't about me. It's about our country, about all of us. Who we are. Human beings of equal worth, with equal rights. Gays deserve to have the right to marry just as much as straights do. Simple as that. That's why I support the new marriage law. For two grown ups to have the right to choose for themselves, love who they want and marry if they wish. No one else's decision. It's all between the two concerned. Let love win.

Define Your Worth

I've met many incredible people with a strong and healthy self-esteem. People, who take no non-sense from nobody. People who know their worth and aren't afraid to show it.

I have also met even more incredible people who have all the qualities in right places yet still don't recognize their value. People who let their worth be defined by other people, typically by the ill-willed ones.

Why is it that some people just can't acknowledge how incredible they are? Why do some people always end up doubting themselves, their value, their intelligence? Let others define who they are and what they are worth? Even worst, let the negative feedback define their worth, not the positive comments.

It seems easy to believe anything negative but hard to trust the truthfulness of the positives.

Criticism, even negative feedback, can offer a way for learning and for improvement. No harm done if given and taken in a constructive manner. But when those start defining who you are, what you are worth, then a person is on a dangerous path. If the negative is allowed too much power on our feelings it starts eating a person up from inside. It leads to a life in constant fear of more negative feedback. Fear of negative feedback will block creativity.

A key for success, I believe, is recognizing ones own capabilities, trusting oneself and not being afraid of failure or negative feedback. If you know who you are, what you are capable of, what your motivation and drive is, then no one can stop you from reaching your dreams. You just need to stop letting people walk over you. You need to define your own worth and hold on to that. 

The Traffic

What's the first thing people remark on when they come to Vietnam? What's the one thing that causes eternal fear, admiration, entertainment, confusion? If you've ever been to Vietnam you know what I'm aiming at. Yes, the traffic.

The unique chaos of motorbikes, bicycles, mobile foodcarts, buses, taxis, some private cars, trucks and people crossing the streets. Name anything and it's likely been seen on the roads of Vietnam. Fair enough, haven't seen a complete building being transported on a motorbike but the interior for sure I have. Wardrobes, mattresses, a fridge, hundreds of balloons, grocery shops, 5 meters long pipes and car tyres for several cars, live animals and small and big families. Anything and beyond, the Vietnamese can transport on a motorbike.

A visiting stand-up comedian from earlier this week started his show by acknowledging the traffic chaos, describing he also almost got hit several times already during his first day in Saigon. In his hotel - and he lives in the 11th floor! There is no end for jokes about the Vietnamese traffic but it ain't a joke to be part of it. But it can be a lot of fun.

The rule number 1 when driving in Vietnam is that you can't control what's happening behind you, therefore, mind what's in front of you and try not to hit anything or anyone. I don't think there are any other rules. at least no relevant ones.

I've been driving a motorbike here for a year now and avoided any accidents. A few minor pumps can't be avoided but nothing to be alarmed about. The trick is to understand the logic of the Vietnamese driving and go along with it and hope for the best. Yes, there is logic in the driving. You keep going, you mind what you are doing, you don't make sudden unexpected movements. Majority of the drivers follow these and are not being purposefully complete idiots - which leaves enough room for the still numerous completely selfish idiots. Those who block the lanes for those turning right or for the approaching drivers. Those who are turning left but keep on the right side of the road, hence needing to get on way for everyone else when forcing their turn. And they there is never just one. The speeding ones, and the extremely slow ones. The ones transporting 5 meter long pipes and not understanding it kinda affects people nearby when they turn. Etc.

The traffic is a constant source of frustration as well as of entertainment. There is never a boring moment on the Vietnamese roads. I would like to have my camera ready and going but have to restrain due to the many thieves spotting anything that can be snapped. Instead I enjoy the driving itself and the sights around me. I smile at the passers by and honk my horn at the idiots blocking my way. Driving without rules lets the beast out as you have to fight for your space. Take your space or don't attempt to drive. Accept the logic and have fun within. Because the driving part can be lots of fun - and even more so on a pink bike like mine!