Something on My Mind

There is something on my mind. Actually a lot, pretty much all the time.

Things, thoughts, feelings. Yes, even feelings. Technically I'm not sure if that's the right way to put it as I guess feelings are supposed to be something one, well, feels. But for me feelings are something very holistic, present in my body and in my heart and my mind. Present. I sense them, I feel them and I think them. Sometimes analyzing but often letting them be, letting them be felt.

I'm used to thinking of myself as a rational person. I want to get a grip on things, I feel a need to understand everything. I don't let emotions rule.

I do let my emotions free, though, no mistakes there. I mean, I tend to cry when the Finnish ice-hockey team loses a game. I weep when they lose in the finals (has happened often). Mind you, over the years I've broken several pieces of furniture over the course of an ice-hockey game.

And it's not only about ice-hockey. No, baby I was born this way. In my childhood I said goodbye to our house when I left it for longer than a day. I kept hugging my favorite tree in order to prevent it from being cut down (well, it was cut down later when I was at school, believing it was already agreed to be saved). Oh, and I wrote a goodbye note, saying how sorry I was and how much I had loved them and that I would never forget them - to a pair of old socks I had to throw away. Green, knitted, pretty pair of socks. I kept my promise, I have never forgotten them.

Since then, in between and after all those events I could find a couple of more examples of me being emotional. Yet on the other hand, I tend to look at the emotional moments and the feelings quite rationally. I regard them as an elixir of my life. My reason to live.

Feelings and emotions, they make life worth living. I go easily from one extreme to another, feeling, observing, analyzing - living, at the same time. I'm addicted to new feelings. Maybe that's why I feel this urge to keep moving (rather literally). In this world, there is always something going on. And what's going on is interesting to me. I value everything new I can learn, what I see, touch, smell. The world is a never ending source of wonders.

What I'm trying to do is to stay open. For whatever happens, for whatever the world has to offer. When I can keep my heart, my mind and soul open, I can feel something bubbling inside me. There is no one word to describe it but ´happiness´comes close. I observe, I feel, I sense, I treasure, I think - I live.